How Denial Sustains Cycles of Harm in Relationships with Narcissistic Partners

In my work as an existential sex therapist and psychosexologist, I’ve seen a pattern emerge again and again:
Denial is the place where most people get stuck. It’s not just where the pain hides—it’s where the cycle begins again.

Clients who’ve been in relationships with those exhibiting narcissistic characteristics often come into therapy aware that something went wrong, but they’re unable to fully name it. They minimize, rationalize or romanticize parts of the relationship—especially the sexual connection or emotional intensity.

Denial, in these cases, is not ignorance. It's strategy. It's protection. It's survival.

But it’s also the reason many clients find themselves repeating the same relational pattern, drawn to similar types of people who use charm, control, seduction, or subtle devaluation to destabilize and dominate.

Denial Is Not Blindness — It’s a Way to Feel Safe

Denial is rarely a conscious choice. It’s a way of staying intact when the truth threatens to destroy the image we’ve built—of a partner, a relationship or even ourselves.

From an existential sex therapy lens, denial is not a flaw; it’s an existential defense. It shields us from truths that, if fully felt, might unravel everything:

That we were not emotionally safe in a relationship we invested in deeply.
That what felt like love may have been manipulation or performance.
That we ignored our body’s discomfort because we desperately wanted connection.

And as long as denial remains intact—partially or fully—we're vulnerable to repeating the cycle.

How Denial Fuels the Repetition of Harm

Here’s how the cycle often looks in therapy:

A client leaves a difficult or destabilizing relationship.
They feel relieved—but also confused, unresolved or nostalgic.
A few months later, they’re involved with someone who feels “exciting,” “intense,” or “magnetic.”
Slowly, similar patterns emerge: emotional withdrawal, lack of empathy, subtle gaslighting, disregard for boundaries.
They begin to question themselves again.
Therapy reveals: It’s the same pattern with a different face.

The unprocessed denial from the first relationship left the underlying narrative intact:

“Maybe I ask for too much.”
“If someone desires me sexually, I must be worth something.”
“I can fix them if I just love better.”

Unless we disrupt that story, the cycle continues—because part of us is still hoping this time will be different.

Denial in Erotic Memory: Why Sex Feels Like Proof

Sexual intensity is often the most persistent hook for denial. Clients frequently say:

“We had the best sex of my life.”

“That kind of chemistry is rare.”
“No one else has made me feel that wanted.”

This is where denial becomes eroticized.

From a psychosexologist’s perspective, we ask:

Was that chemistry mutual—or manufactured?
Did your body feel safe and respected—or did you override discomfort to stay desirable?
Were you being seen—or used to reflect someone else’s fantasy?

If we can’t tell the difference between being wanted and being objectified, the cycle is likely to repeat.
Denial clouds discernment, especially when emotional harm is interlaced with powerful sexual memory.

Why This Is the Stuck Point

This point of denial is where so many clients loop back into pain. They may leave one relationship, but the template—the internal map of what love and sex feel like—hasn’t changed.

And so, the next person arrives. They mirror the same dynamic. They feel “familiar.” They trigger the same unmet longings. And without meaning to, the client repeats the pattern—this time more quickly, more painfully.

In existential sex therapy, this is the moment of choice:
Do we continue to stay unconscious, or are we ready to know what we know?

Moving Through Denial in Therapy

Here’s how we work through denial in an embodied, existential way:

Existential Psychosexologist | Sex Therapist

We give denial a voice, rather than bypassing it. What was it protecting? What truth felt too painful to hold?
We slow down memory: not just what happened, but how it felt in the body. What did you sense, ignore, override?
We explore early beliefs about love and sexuality: Were you taught that love is earned, that desire must be given, that boundaries are conditional?
We build erotic clarity: What do you want intimacy to feel like now? What kind of touch, presence, and reciprocity actually nourish you?

This is not just about “not dating narcissists again.” It’s about reclaiming authorship over how you love, connect, desire and choose.

Denial is not your failure.

It is your nervous system’s way of saying: “Not yet.”
But maybe now, you're ready.

Ready to grieve.
Ready to confront the fantasy.
Ready to trust the signals your body sends.
Ready to choose differently—not just who you’re with, but how you show up to love and sex.

As an existential sex therapist, I help clients leave behind the internalized patterns that make those relationships feel familiar.
When denial dissolves, agency begins. And from that place, healing is not just possible—it’s inevitable.

Denial: The Stuck Point That Repeats the Pattern