On Authenticity in Sex and Love

The Cost of Not Being Real

We talk about authenticity like it’s a lifestyle—something you can curate with the right words, clothes, or Instagram captions.

But authenticity isn’t aesthetic. It’s earned.
And it’s often uncomfortable.

In the therapy room, when someone says, “I just want to be more authentic,” what they usually mean is:

I’m tired of hiding.
I’m exhausted from performing.
I want to say what I really feel… and I’m terrified to actually do it.

As an existential sex therapist, authenticity is NOT defined as “always telling the truth” or “doing what feels good.” That can be just another performance. Instead, I see authenticity as the lifelong practice of facing yourself honestly—and making choices that reflect what’s true for you, even when it costs you comfort, approval, or control.

Why We Fake It

We learn early that some parts of us are welcome, and others are not.

Be agreeable.
Be strong.
Be sexy—but not too sexy.
Be available—but don’t have needs.
Be wanted—but don’t want too much.

So we adapt.
We overfunction. We perform confidence. We silence our needs.
We have sex when we don’t want it—or avoid sex altogether—because the real conversation feels too dangerous.

We betray ourselves little by little, until one day we can’t find the thread of who we really are.

What Does Authenticity Look Like in Sex and Relationships?

It’s not about always wanting sex.
It’s about naming when you don’t—and trusting that your “no” matters.
It’s not about being endlessly available.
It’s about asking, What do I want? What do I need? What do I fear?
It’s not about pleasing your partner at all costs.
It’s about choosing intimacy that includes you.

In existential sex therapy, authenticity often looks like sitting in the awkward pause, not rushing to smooth things over.
It’s about choosing honesty over harmony when harmony is fake.
It’s about taking off the mask you didn’t know you were wearing.

The Risk of Being Real

Authenticity threatens the roles we’ve built our lives around.
If you stop performing the version of yourself your partner expects—what happens?
If you speak your truth in bed instead of going along with what “works”—what shifts?

It might bring up conflict. It might shake the relationship.
But it might also open the door to intimacy that’s actually real.

Because pretending to be loved is not the same as being loved.

You Can’t Be Authentic Without Grief

To reclaim your truth, you may have to grieve the years you spent hiding.
You may have to mourn the relationships built on your silence.
You may have to face the pain of being misunderstood or rejected for who you really are.

But this grief isn’t punishment—it’s proof that you’re waking up.

Therapy as a Space for Truth

In my work with individuals and couples, authenticity is rarely the starting point.
Often, we begin in confusion, avoidance, or even numbness.

But through curiosity and courage, something shifts.

A client stops saying “I’m fine” and tells the truth.
A couple stops pretending they’re sexually compatible and starts asking real questions.
A person reconnects with desire—not as something to perform, but as something to honor.

That’s the work.
That’s the invitation.

If you’re tired of faking it—emotionally, sexually, relationally—there’s space for your truth here.
Not to fix you. Not to shame you. But to witness what’s real.

Because you deserve a life—and a love—that includes your whole self.

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