When Spontaneous Sex Is Not a Requirement for Desire
Many couples, especially parents, express a similar concern: We miss our sex life, but we want it to happen naturally. Spontaneity has become the cultural gold standard for authentic desire. If sex does not erupt between chores and bedtime, something is assumed to be wrong.
A recent experimental study challenges this assumption. Its results align with what existential sex therapy observes: planned intimacy can increase desire rather than diminish it, and intentionality can support connection in ways that spontaneity alone cannot.
Western culture often promotes the idea that sex should just happen. From an existential perspective, these beliefs are not neutral. They shape how people interpret their desire and what they believe sex is supposed to communicate about aliveness and connection. When spontaneity becomes the only valid script, many couples lose access to desire once life becomes full and constrained.
Existential Sex Therapist
The study followed more than five hundred parents with young children, offering a subset of them a brief article reframing planned sex as beneficial rather than unromantic. Over the following two weeks, couples who shifted their beliefs engaged in more sex, reported higher desire and did not experience added pressure or obligation. In fact, among those who had sex during the study period, planned-sex couples reported less sexual obligation. Positive beliefs about planning were also linked with greater relationship satisfaction and less sexual distress.
The findings raise an important question: why does planning work for some couples rather than feeling forced or artificial. An existential interpretation offers one possible explanation.
Planning can create a sense of freedom within constraint. For parents, spontaneity is often not feasible. Planning becomes an act of authorship rather than a sign of deficiency. People choose connection rather than waiting for desire to spontaneously emerge.
Planning also invites anticipation, which has long been recognized as an erotic force. Participants described the pleasure of knowing intimacy was coming rather than being caught off guard. Anticipation is not a replacement for desire. It is often one of its conditions.
Planned intimacy also challenges the narrative that good sex should be effortless. When the meaning of planning shifts from failure to intention, satisfaction tends to shift with it.
This does not make planning a universal solution. The researchers noted that planning did not resolve deeper emotional disconnection or sexual pain, and a minority of participants experienced increased pressure or disappointment when plans fell through. This reflects a simple truth: planning works best when it supports mutuality, not obligation.
For couples with busy lives, the study offers a different starting point. Instead of asking whether desire is spontaneous enough, it invites curiosity about meaning. What does spontaneity symbolize. What does planning threaten. What does it allow. From an existential sex therapy perspective, the more important question becomes how partners choose to create the conditions for intimacy within the realities of their lives.
Planned sex is not less authentic than spontaneous sex. It is a different expression of desire. For many couples, especially parents, it can be liberating to recognize that intimacy does not need to occur without preparation to be meaningful.
Reference
Kovacevic, K., Smith, O., Fitzpatrick, D., Rosen, N. O., Huber, J., and Muise, A. (2025). Can shifting beliefs about planned sex lead to engaging in more frequent sex and higher desire and satisfaction? An experimental study of parents with young children. The Journal of Sex Research. Advance online publication.