The Therapeutic Side of BDSM
“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you”
When I sit with clients in the aftermath of sexual trauma, the conversation often begins not with bodies, but with loss—of trust, of self, of control. The body becomes unfamiliar, haunted by memory and hypervigilance. Survivors ask, often silently: Can I return to my body? Can I want again? Can I say no—and have it matter?
For some, the answer begins in a surprising place: BDSM.
Imagine: A woman details how she enjoys being constrained and having her mouth covered during sex. Although these actions aroused her, she felt disturbed that she was aroused by being constrained. For her, it seemed out of sync with who she was in real life as she enjoyed her freedom and was quite vocal. Throughout the course of sex therapy, she discussed being molested as a child and having her grandfather cover her mouth while raping her. When that connection was made, she became even more disturbed that this action aroused her now as an adult. She initially had difficulty reconciling how she could be aroused by reliving past trauma.
What is happening for her?
Our minds can be insanely overprotective guardians. In order to protect us from traumatic events, our mind may make us “forget” or fragment parts of what happened because being able to easily recall these events in their entirety in the future would be immensly psychologically and emotionally detrimental. However, deep in our minds and memories, that trauma is still there.
We may process our prior trauma by unconsciously reliving it in more controlled situations where trust is secure.
Rather than retraumatizing people, BDSM can allow individuals to regain a sense of control over their bodies and emotions. What is interesting is that one can step into this reliving without conscious thought, especially if someone is comfortable following the path of what erotically interests them without judgment. BDSM’s focus on consent, negotiation and clear boundaries creates a safe environment in which people can work through emotions linked to their trauma.
For many, there is NO connection between trauma and BDSM. For some, there is some overlap between their trauma history and BDSM interests. For them, BDSM provides a space to safely process difficult emotions tied to their trauma. These emotions could present as shame or vulnerability. The beauty here is that BDSM allows for a structured environment in which these emotions can be explored and transformed through consensual, controlled scenarios. BDSM can be a healing experience.
BDSM and the Ethics of Constant Consent
Trauma fractures consent. In its place, there’s often silence, freeze, dissociation. BDSM, by contrast, is rooted in constant consent—not just a single "yes" at the beginning of an encounter, but a continuous, living negotiation. Every moment, every touch, every word is subject to change. A scene can stop with one word. A gesture of discomfort is honored, not ignored.
This fluid, moment-to-moment awareness teaches something vital: you are allowed to change your mind. You are not locked into your past. You have power now—and others must respect it.
Important Note:
While some survivors find BDSM to be a powerful tool in their healing, it's essential to clarify that engaging in BDSM is not inherently linked to trauma.Numerous studies have shown that people who practice BDSM do not have higher rates of psychological dysfunction or trauma history than the general population. Kink is not a pathology—it is a valid, consensual form of sexual expression. Some people engage in it for fun, intimacy, challenge or personal growth—regardless of whether they have trauma histories.
That said, for survivors who do feel drawn to BDSM, it can offer a unique opportunity to reclaim control, explore desire, and rebuild trust in oneself and others—on their own terms.
The Alchemy of Power: Control and Surrender
BDSM invites us to explore power consciously. Some survivors reclaim control through dominance, rewriting the story by becoming the one who chooses, directs, commands. Others find deep release in submission—not as weakness, but as the radical act of trusting again.
Both roles require consent as a foundation, and both offer something existentially profound: the chance to define meaning through your own embodied choices. What was once taken without permission is now given—or withheld—with full presence.
The Body Can Relearn What Safety Feels Like
Trauma disconnects us from our bodies. BDSM—when practiced with care and consent—can gently reopen that connection. Whether through the rhythm of spanking, the containment of rope, or the intensity of sensory play, kink offers structured sensation in a consensual container.
This structure matters. The nervous system learns through repetition that touch can be safe, that intensity can coexist with pleasure, that sensation doesn’t have to mean danger.
And most importantly: that you decide.
Ritual, Roleplay, and Rewriting the Story
In existential therapy, we often talk about choice, meaning, and freedom. BDSM offers a symbolic landscape where those themes come alive. Scenes become rituals. Roles become mirrors. A survivor may explore archetypes of power or vulnerability, not as escape, but as a means of integration.
Within the boundaries of kink, we can reimagine the story. We can explore grief, desire, fear, or control—not as wounds to hide, but as parts of ourselves that deserve attention, play, and healing.
Not a Fix, But a Framework
Let’s be clear: BDSM is not a cure for trauma. It is not a shortcut or a substitute for therapeutic work. When misused or misunderstood, it can be harmful. But when approached with constant consent, emotional awareness, and the right support, it becomes something powerful:
A path back to the self. A way to live in the body again—not as a site of harm, but as a source of choice, sensation, and freedom.
If you are a survivor drawn to kink, know this: you are not broken, and your desires are not dangerous. When consent is constant and care is present, BDSM can be a space where you write your own story, on your own terms.
Where healing sounds like this: Yes. No. Maybe. I’ve changed my mind.
And every one of those words is honored.