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To dovetail on Daniel Watter’s The Existential Importance of the Penis, I ask this question;

If the vulva could speak, would she scream?
She would likely whisper. But either way….

The vulva speaks.

"You ask me to open, but I don’t feel safe."
"You want me to welcome, but I’ve never felt wanted."
“You ask me to invite you in, but I rarely feel seen or heard.”
"You treat me like a passage, but I am a threshold."

As a licensed sex therapist practicing existential sex therapy, I sit with many women and vulva-owners who feel like their bodies are betraying them. The resulting “diagnosis” is often vaginismus—a condition marked by involuntary vaginal tightness or contraction during penetration, often accompanied by pain, shame and silence.

But what if the body isn’t betraying you?
What if it’s telling the truth before you are ready to?

The Body Is Honest, Even When We Aren’t

In the context of sex therapy, vaginismus is often seen as a dysfunction. Something to fix. A problem to override with relaxation techniques, dilators or desensitization. These tools can be helpful—and sometimes necessary—but they are often incomplete.

Because vaginismus isn’t just about muscles.
It’s about meaning.

When a client tells me, “My body just won’t let him in,” I don’t rush to correct or interpret. I get curious:

What part of you is saying no?
What part of yourself have you had to hide in order to be loved?

The vagina is not passive. She’s not a hole. She’s a boundary.
And sometimes, her closure is not dysfunction—it’s self-awareness.

When the Body Says What the Mouth Won’t

Inauthentic sex isn’t just about lying. It’s about leaving yourself—performing pleasure when you feel numb, saying “yes” when your body says “no,” bracing for penetration you’re not ready for, because you’re afraid of disappointing, delaying or being too difficult.

Over time, that disconnection doesn’t just live in the psyche—it lodges in the pelvic floor.

The body remembers what you’ve had to forget to survive:
The first time you froze.
The pressure to be desirable, but not desiring.
The moment you said “okay” instead of “stop.”

Sex therapy becomes a place to stop overriding those truths.

Vaginismus may be your body’s way of asking,
“Can we please stop pretending?”

The Existential Invitation

At its core, vaginismus is not just a medical or mechanical issue. It’s an existential one.

It touches on:

Freedom: Do I feel I have the right to choose, to say no, to change my mind?
Responsibility: What choices have I made to be accepted, and at what cost?
Authenticity: What is true for me—not what I’ve been told should be true?
Isolation: Can anyone understand what it’s like to live in a body that says “no” when I want to say “yes”?

When we treat vaginismus only as a physical issue, we risk reinforcing the very shame and silence that created it.

But through sex therapy, we treat it as a message—a form of embodied truth—and begin the real work:
Reclaiming your right to speak, to feel, to want, to stop, to begin again.

What Healing Can Look Like

In sex therapy, we don’t rush your body. We don’t force a timeline. We don’t treat penetration as the goal.

We focus on authenticity over performance.
We ask:

What does safety actually feel like?
Where have you been split from your body?
What would it mean to include yourself in your sex life?

Sometimes healing begins not with opening the body, but with listening to what the closure is protecting.

If Your Body Is Saying “No,” That Matters

Vaginismus is not your fault.
It’s not a failure.
It’s not the end of your sexuality.

It may be the first time your body is telling the truth.
And it deserves to be heard—not silenced, bypassed or forced into pleasure it doesn’t feel.

Your vagina isn’t broken.
She’s waiting for you to come home to yourself.

Curious about sex therapy?
Whether you're navigating vaginismus, sexual disconnection or the fear of being truly known, sex therapy offers a space for honesty, safety, and slow, meaningful repair.

Because you deserve sex that includes your whole self—body, mind, and truth.

The Vulva Speaks: Vaginismus, Authenticity and the Body’s Refusal to Pretend