Desire: Why We Want What We Can’t Have
Jack Morin's "Erotic Equation" (Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement) explains why forbidden fruit often tastes sweetest. We're inherently drawn to what's just out of reach, whether it's a coveted promotion, a luxurious lifestyle, or a former partner now involved with someone else. This principle extends to relationships: distance, mystery, or even a hint of competition can heighten desire. To reignite a stale spark, couples can introduce healthy obstacles, drawing from Morin's "Cornerstones of Eroticism"—longing and anticipation, violating prohibitions, searching for power, and overcoming ambivalence. Sex therapy explores these dynamics, helping partners identify their attractions and create engaging obstacles to reignite excitement. By understanding and applying this equation, couples can cultivate a dynamic and fulfilling connection.
Simone de Beauvoir’s Authentic Love
Simone de Beauvoir, a pivotal figure in existential philosophy, argued that healthy relationships, including those explored in sex therapy, hinge on mutual freedom and respect. She identified "authentic love" as a balance of reciprocity, where individual growth is enhanced, not diminished, contrasting it with harmful forms like narcissistic love (self-centered) and devotional love (self-subjugating). Beauvoir believed that true love, and indeed a fulfilling life, requires valuing both one's own freedom and that of others, rejecting societal pressures that enforce self-sacrifice or conformity. This perspective underscores the importance of authentic self-expression and equality in relationships, fostering independence while embracing connection.
Mindfulness for Better Sex
Sexuality, a vital aspect of human connection and well-being, is often stigmatized, yet integral to our existence. Sex therapy addresses internalized societal messages about sex and combats distractions that hinder pleasure, such as intrusive thoughts during intimacy. Mindfulness emerges as a crucial tool, promoting present-moment awareness and non-judgmental observation of sensations, essential for sexual awakening. By refocusing on the physical and emotional experiences of the "now," individuals can overcome barriers to desire and satisfaction, even in cases of low sexual desire, chronic pain, or post-cancer treatment sexual challenges. Mindfulness creates space for intimacy and connection by clearing mental clutter, fostering a deeper, more fulfilling sexual experience.
Gracefully Decline
Adults often struggle to say "no," unlike the decisive four-year-old, leading to overextension and resentment. We're conditioned to be agreeable, but this often means neglecting our own needs and priorities. To reclaim agency, create a "Concern Budget" outlining your essential commitments and values, and practice the "PAUSE" before responding to requests. This pause allows for thoughtful consideration, preventing rushed "yeses" that derail your schedule. Learning to say "no" gracefully, without apology, empowers you to prioritize your well-being and reclaim your time, freeing you from unnecessary obligations and fostering a sense of liberation.
The # 1 Reason We Engage in Hot & Cold Relationships
Inconsistent relationships thrive on intermittent reinforcement, like slot machines, where sporadic "hot" periods create addictive anticipation. Initial intensity fosters strong positive associations, making subsequent "cold" periods anxiety-inducing. We chase the fleeting "hot" to relieve this anxiety, hoping for a return to the beginning. While behaviorist techniques offer temporary relief, existential psychology emphasizes aligning relationships with personal values. By pausing to reflect on whether a relationship provides pleasure, peace, or purpose, we can choose to disengage from incongruent patterns and seek authentic connections.