What You Do Not Change, You Choose: An Existential Reflection on Intimacy and Avoidance
“In the face of discomfort, avoidance feels like control. But over time, it becomes its own kind of prison. ”
There’s a moment I often witness in couples sex therapy—a pause, a glance, a sigh. One partner leans back and says something like:
“I thought if we just gave it time, things would go back to normal.”
It’s a quiet moment, but a loaded one. Because under it lies a deeper truth:
When it comes to sexual intimacy and connection, time doesn’t heal what we refuse to face.
Avoidance doesn’t preserve the relationship—it reshapes it.
What we do not change, we choose.
Even when we don’t realize we’re choosing it.
The Passive Choice Is Still a Choice
In sex therapy, I often see couples stuck in what we call desire discrepancy—when one partner wants more or different kinds of sexual connection than the other. But what surprises them isn’t the mismatch; it’s how long they’ve lived with it without speaking. Months. Years. Decades.
They’ve chosen not to talk about it.
They’ve chosen to tiptoe around hurt feelings.
They’ve chosen sexual avoidance to preserve peace—only to find the silence unbearable.
The truth is: there is no “neutral” in long-term intimacy.
If we are not moving toward erotic connection, we are slowly drifting from it.
Why Couples Stay Silent
Avoidance is rarely laziness—it’s fear.
In sex and relationship therapy, we explore the emotional risks that keep people stuck:
Fear of rejection or judgment
Fear of conflict
Fear that speaking the truth might break something
Fear of confronting our own shame or dissatisfaction
For many, it feels safer to suppress needs than to risk emotional vulnerability. But over time, suppression breeds resentment, boredom, and loneliness—even within committed relationships.
And the sex? It either disappears, becomes mechanical, or turns into a source of tension rather than pleasure.
The Existential View of Sexuality
From an existential perspective, sex is more than technique or performance—it’s meaning-making. It's where we confront questions of:
Do you still see me?
Do I matter?
Can I show you who I really am and still be accepted?
In this context, sexual satisfaction isn’t just about orgasm or frequency. It’s about feeling alive, chosen, and understood.
So when couples struggle, I don't start with tips or tricks.
I invite them into deeper questions:
What does sex mean to you now?
What are you afraid to ask for?
What role does power, identity, aging, or resentment play in your sexual connection?
Because until you face these truths, the patterns persist.
Responsibility Is Power
Here’s where the phrase comes in:
What you do not change, you choose.
If you’re choosing to stay quiet about unmet needs, you're also choosing disconnection.
If you’re avoiding intimacy because it's awkward, you're also choosing loneliness.
If you’re blaming your partner but not speaking up, you're choosing the status quo.
This is not about blame—it’s about agency.
In sex therapy for couples, we work to reclaim that agency. To help both partners recognize where they’re on autopilot, where they’ve given up, and where they can begin again—with honesty, courage, and intentionality.
Choosing Again
The beauty of relationships is that we can re-choose each other. We can rewrite our sexual script. We can stop avoiding the conversations and start cultivating new rituals of connection.
You can:
Name the desire discrepancy instead of hiding it
Explore new ways to experience intimacy without pressure
Get curious about your partner's changing needs and fantasies
Rebuild sexual intimacy from a foundation of honesty rather than assumption
All it takes is the willingness to choose something different.
A Final Invitation
If you feel stuck, numb, or distant from your partner sexually, ask yourself:
“What am I choosing by not addressing this?”
And if you’re ready—choose something else. Choose to speak. Choose to show up. Choose to be uncomfortable in service of something real.
Because the only way through is through.
Need a place to begin? Try this conversation starter with your partner:
“What’s one thing you wish we could talk about when it comes to our sex life, but haven’t?”