When Pleasure Becomes a Chore: An Existential Take on Sex and Intimacy
Existential Sex Therapist
It’s a strange irony: something as primal, joyful and life-affirming as sex often becomes just another item on our to-do list. “Have sex more.” “Be spontaneous.” “Connect with my partner.” These intentions, though rooted in a desire for intimacy, can quietly morph into burdens. As an existential sex therapist, I encounter this paradox daily: how can something meant to bring pleasure end up feeling like a performance, or worse—an obligation?
The answer lies not in broken libido or poor communication alone, but in our relationship to meaning—the cornerstone of existential sex therapy.
Sex Isn’t Always About Sex
Let’s be honest: modern sexuality is saturated with expectation. We’re told that pleasure is our birthright, that a fulfilling sex life equals a fulfilling relationship, and that anything less is cause for concern. And yet, I see so many clients—individuals, couples, and polycules—who feel disconnected from their own desire.
They say, “It feels like a chore.”
They say, “I should want it, but I don’t.”
They say, “What’s wrong with me?”
As a psychosexologist, I don’t pathologize these experiences. Instead, I ask: What are you avoiding? What are you chasing? And who taught you what sex is supposed to mean?
The Existential Dilemma: Freedom vs. Responsibility
Sex brings us face-to-face with our freedom. In the moment of desire, we are reminded that we are creatures of flesh, longing, contradiction. But when sex feels performative, or when pleasure feels required, our freedom is obscured by obligation. This is where existential sex therapy diverges from traditional sex therapy.
We’re not just trying to increase frequency or expand techniques—we’re exploring your being. Your shame. Your yearning. Your ambivalence.
We ask:
Who are you when you touch, or are touched?
Who told you what “good sex” should look like?
What meaning have you attached to pleasure, performance, and presence?
Making Room for Ambivalence
There’s a cultural pressure to be “sex positive,” but many people confuse that with being sex enthusiastic. In truth, a healthy relationship with sexuality allows room for contradiction. You can love your partner and feel numb. You can want sex and feel afraid of it. You can find pleasure, and still feel disconnected from meaning.
Existential Sex Therapy
As an existential sex therapist, I invite clients to bring their ambivalence into the room. We don’t rush toward solutions. We sit with discomfort. We ask what your boredom, avoidance, or over-performance in sex might be protecting you from.
Sex, in this view, is not a goal. It’s a portal.
From Chore to Choice
Reclaiming sex from the realm of “chore” means reclaiming your agency. Not just the agency to say yes or no, but the deeper agency to redefine what sex means to you in this season of your life.
Sometimes, sex doesn’t need to be spontaneous. Sometimes, scheduling sex with intention and mindfulness is an act of radical care. Other times, not having sex is a necessary boundary for healing. Both are valid. Both are expressions of existential freedom.
Final Thoughts
You are not broken for feeling ambivalent about sex. In fact, your discomfort may be a signal—an invitation to pause, reflect, and reimagine. Pleasure is not just a sensation; it is a meaning-making experience.
And meaning, in the existential sense, is never given. It is made.
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If you're feeling stuck, burned out or disconnected from your erotic self, consider working with an existential sex therapist or psychosexologist. Together, we can explore not just how you have sex—but why.
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