Whatever we do not change, we are choosing
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“Existence precedes essence.”
That pithy statement implies that other things are “born” with a purpose whereas humans are born first and then their essence (purpose and meaning) must be defined over time. The difficulty is that more often than not, our purpose becomes designed by others (parents, societal expectation, financial need) and who we really are is often beaten into submission. Needless to say, that can create existential anxiety coupled with internal, subdued resentment. That alone can create relationship issues and stress.
But in order to define our purpose, we must choose how to engage in our world. As humans, we have the lovely gift of ‘free will.’ It’s a simple concept until we really look at what we choose on a day to day basis. Surprisingly, we can choose options with little effort. For instance, we have all felt at one time or another that we are irritated with something and are annoyed that we have to deal with it. Enter: social media. I have had a number of therapy sessions where clients bemoan the hypocrisy of social media and how it negatively affects their mood or self-esteem. This irritation is completely understandable.
On social media, everyone, and I mean everyone is living amazing lives of uninhibited happiness, filter-generated beauty, travel, and excessive sensational pleasure while living ‘their truth’ (yes, I am giving a side eye). All of this only to see them announcing their “conscious uncoupling” by the next post. It’s honestly hard to take seriously. I digress…
Even though we know that much of it is not real, we continue to engage and bemoan our own existence, while wasting 2 hours of scrolling. But when I ask this next question, it stops people in their tracks.
“Why are you choosing to engage in something that makes you miserable or is inconsistent with your values?”
It is often that I use the word ‘choosing’ that stops people. We often float through life with the belief that things just happen to us as opposed to us choosing it. Granted, things DO just happen to us. Noone is choosing to be diagnosed with cancer or develop trauma responses to a sexual assault for instance. Somethings do happen outside of our control. However after that event, we choose how we respond.
“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.”
If we return to the social media example, we could blindly engage in senseless cat videos or we could choose to disengage and focus on something that may actually benefit us and feed the essence that we wish to create. (Even though, the cat videos that are forwarded to me are amazingly adorable & I am guilty of laughing uncontrollably).
We can apply this to many other areas of life.
Life is going to be full of little irritations. But, for the most part, you get to choose which irritations you have. You can choose to eliminate the ones that do not serve you.
Once upon a time, I had an acquaintance that expressed irritation with a ‘frenemy’. Anytime that they engaged with this ‘friend’ they always left the situation feeling drained and bullied. Needless to say, this had a negative effect on their self-esteem.
I asked the same existential psychology question. “Why are you choosing to engage with someone that makes you miserable or behaves in a way that is inconsistent with your values?”
As humans, we can be more discerning with where we spend our money than whom we allow access to our mental and emotional space.
You can always make more money, but rebuilding self-esteem is emotionally and mentally EXPENSIVE. By engaging with this person, you are choosing to engage with this person. We have to take some level of accountability as this person can not affect us in the same way without the access that we allow them to have.
Our time, mental and emotional well-being are the most valuable assets that we have. Should we be as discerning with whom has access to our minds as we are with our money?
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Which one matters more?
So how does this apply to sex therapy, you ask? What beliefs are you holding on to that create stress for you? We can choose to change fallacies or choose to be restrained by them. I have heard, “I can not orgasm because that pleasure is for the man and not the woman” or “I couldn’t possibly pleasure myself because that is wrong or dirty.” So we could choose to believe these ideas. If we do, these limit how we view ourselves and therefore our capacity for pleasure. Hence, we choose those sexual limitations. Or we could question those ideas and choose for ourselves. If we do not question or change our mindset, we are choosing sexual constraints on our pleasure. In sex therapy, we evaluate our beliefs and values, decide if they align with our authenticity and proceed within that context.
Broadly speaking, if there is something in our lives that makes us miserable and we do nothing about it, we are choosing that thing that makes us miserable, even if we choose it silently.
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