An Existential Sex Therapist’s Reflection with a Stoic Perspective

One of the most liberating and difficult truths we face in relationships—especially in our sexual and intimate lives—is this:

You cannot control other people.

Not their behavior.
Not their desire.
Not their emotions.
Not their healing.
Not even their love.

As an existential sex therapist, I regularly work with people who feel stuck in patterns of trying to change or fix someone else. It’s not manipulative—it’s human. But it’s also a trap.

Both existentialism and Stoicism challenge us to give up the illusion of control and instead take radical responsibility for how we choose to respond to life as it is.

The Stoic Wisdom of Control

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote:

“Some things are within our power, while others are not.”

In Stoicism, this principle is central: we cannot control what happens to us or how others behave—but we can always control our attitude and response.

This is echoed in existential sex therapy, which invites us to explore not how to control others, but how to live truthfully and courageously in response to what we encounter in love, sex and intimacy.

Stoicism and Existentialism: A Natural Partnership

Though Stoicism and existentialism come from different traditions, they deeply complement each other—especially in therapeutic work.

Stoicism provides clarity:

Distinguishing what’s in your control
Remaining grounded in your values
Cultivating inner stability amidst relational chaos

Existentialism offers depth:

Facing uncertainty, mortality, freedom and isolation
Embracing meaning-making in the face of ambiguity
Living with authenticity and moral responsibility

As Emmy van Deurzen writes:

“Existential therapy is not about helping people to adjust to life, but about helping them to examine how they live, and whether they could live more fully.”
— van Deurzen, 2002

Where Stoicism roots us in what we can control, existentialism asks us what kind of life we want to create with that control. Together, they teach us that our power is not in manipulation—but in meaning, presence, and principled choice.

Control in Intimacy

In sex and intimacy, control shows up in subtle and often unconscious ways:

Performing sexually to keep someone close
Withholding affection as protest
Over-accommodating to avoid conflict
Trying to change a partner’s desire, pace, or preferences

But relationships—and especially erotic ones—are not machines to be fixed. They are living processes. You cannot script or guarantee how the other person will respond. You can only take responsibility for how you show up.

As Rollo May wrote:

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive—to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.”
— May, 1969

Response Is Where Your Power Lives

You may not control your partner’s fears, desires, or timing.
But you can choose:

Whether you speak or stay silent
Whether you stay, or leave, or shift the nature of the relationship
Whether you act from fear or integrity
Whether you protect your boundaries or abandon them

Existential therapy doesn't offer guarantees. It invites you into the real work of freedom: owning your power without demanding that others change to make your life easier.

This is the same challenge Stoicism offers:
You are not the architect of the world. But you are the author of your response.

Final Thoughts from an Existential Sex Therapist

Control may offer comfort, but it often comes at the cost of authenticity. When we let go of controlling others, we free ourselves to return to what’s ours: our values, our voice, our presence, our path.

As an existential sex therapist, I won’t promise you that others will change. But I will sit with you as you examine your own capacity to respond differently, to live more freely, and to choose from clarity rather than fear.

As Rollo May reminds us:

“Freedom is the capacity to pause in the face of stimulus and choose.”
— May, 1981

You can’t control how others love, heal, or meet you. But you can decide what kind of life—and what kind of love—you’re willing to participate in.

Interested in working with an existential sex therapist?
Reach out for a consultation. Let’s explore your relationships not through control, but through clarity, choice and responsibility.

References

May, R. (1969). Love and Will. W.W. Norton.
May, R. (1981). Freedom and Destiny. W.W. Norton.
van Deurzen, E. (2002). Existential Counselling and Psychotherapy in Practice (2nd ed.). Sage Publications.

You Can’t Control Others—But You Can Choose Your Response