Choosing a Partner: Beyond “Checking Boxes” and Toward Character

In a culture saturated with dating apps, personality quizzes and curated profiles, it's easy to fall into the habit of "checkbox dating"—selecting partners based on a list of superficial traits or lifestyle alignments as if a person is a commodity. But from the perspective of existential sex therapy, this approach often misses the most essential questions: Who is this person being in the world? What do they value? And how do those values manifest in relationship?

And most importantly….

Do their values align with mine?

As an existential sex therapist, I work with individuals and couples who are seeking more than compatibility—they're seeking meaning, intimacy and authenticity. Many come to therapy wondering why, after choosing someone who seemed "perfect on paper," they feel emotionally disconnected or sexually dissatisfied. The answer often lies in the difference between choosing someone for their résumé and choosing someone for their essence.

Character Over Checklist

We are taught to prize certain attributes in partners: financial stability, physical attractiveness, education level, shared hobbies. These are not inherently bad things but they are just surface-level indicators. They say little about how someone will navigate conflict, show up in moments of vulnerability or support you when life falls apart.

Existential sex therapy invites us to ask deeper, more courageous questions:

• How does this person respond to uncertainty or fear?

• Can they sit with discomfort without immediately trying to fix or flee?

• Do they take responsibility for their choices or do they blame the world?

• How do they treat others when they have nothing to gain?

These are questions of character, not compatibility.

The Courage to Choose Depth

Choosing a partner based on character means embracing ambiguity. It means stepping away from a rigid list of "must-haves" and allowing space for the unexpected—the person who doesn't tick all the boxes but makes you feel seen, challenged and alive. It requires the willingness to risk disappointment for the possibility of real connection.

Existential Sex Therapist

This doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or abandoning your standards. It means shifting your criteria from the external to the internal. From “Do they like hiking?” to “Can we explore life together with curiosity and courage?” From “Are they a 10?” to “Do they make me feel safe to be all of myself?”

Intimacy as a Shared Existential Journey

In existential sex therapy, we understand intimacy as a co-creation—an unfolding experience shaped by honesty, freedom and mutual responsibility. It is not found in someone who checks all your boxes but in someone willing to meet you at the edge of what is known and walk with you into what is not.

So if you’re dating or reflecting on your current relationship, ask yourself:
Am I choosing based on fear or freedom?
Am I clinging to control or am I open to the mystery of another person’s being?

Because ultimately, the most erotic and enduring partnerships are not built on compatibility—they’re built on character, courage and the shared willingness to show up even when it's hard.

If you're looking to explore your relationships through a deeper lens, existential sex therapy can help you untangle old patterns, clarify your values and reconnect with yourself and others in more authentic ways.